Verset à une Coulée

[Tonight I shall speak in symbols: In such manner of expression there is an utter concealment of one’s] self.











[a deep chronic sense or state of (security) and dissatisfaction arising from] ^


Going Mad Over the Past

Today’s the 22nd of July. It’s funny how time rather nibbles the butt of itself—if you live in the past, you glug the life out of what’s in front of you; and when you live in the present, it is but necessary that “thou shalt entomb all thy ungainly minutiae of the bygone”. (‘bury all the not-so-good memories 6 feet’ under for short.)

“Let’s go to QPav, Shayne,” that’s what I told her. I was feeling all drag and drama over the idea of doing our homework a day earlier than the deadline.  Here I was, all stressed and sleepless while this girl who insisted that it would be better we go loca-loca over school stuff now and save the blasé mode for later was whom I had for a company. Oh, well. I let my upper hand down and let her drag my blues into the library. Word: [enforcedly] studious.

We tried to look for a particular film in the library but we failed to watch because the audio-visual player needed a fix. Letting our quick-wits bring us to a resolve, we logged into library PC’s trying to look for the video online (but of course you can’t watch it on Youtube!) Shayne happened to find a “watch-able” film for Battle of Manila, so I asked her to send me the link through my email.

Some of the old stuff I had to deal with that moment would include a reminiscent of my foolishness ago, and what I meant by ago is that these old stuff from my email occurred at around the same time a year ago. I was a bit unmindful of the little details from the past so I had to read them all again, and to my surprise, I wasn’t giving an outrage at all, (well at least mentally) towards myself. Good that I was able to master such weakness I once had. Very good. I no longer have to palm-hit my head!

So here it goes, whenever you feel like hitting your head with your right palm so hard due to some crazy-memory-from-the-past-backlash, it is highly recommended that you:

  • Learn to accept. You probably heard about the word a gazillion times already, but it’s true. Acceptance was what I had to make in order to be gentle with myself. And the same goes for you. I realized that you can’t go against the current of the seas. You will only exhaust and hurt yourself. You just have to allow itself shove … (okay shove is not a good term,) allow itself to put everything back into place. How does it happen? Find out on our next point.
  • Admit your limitations. Pride is one way of hurting yourself. If you let that barrier rule over you, you will always deny yourself from true freedom. We are all human, we make mistakes and we can’t be perfect. God never expects us to be perfect and flawless while we are made of flesh. “For he knows how we are made. He remembers that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:14 WEB) See, even our Perfect God knows we cannot be perfect by human nature!
  • Surrender to God. Completely. I’ve done those crazy stuff before because I was made to believe that I was on the right path. Well, it FELT RIGHT for a moment there. And I tell you, that’s a SUREFIRE way to self-destruction. That’s what you call foolishness. I thought I could be “Jan” the “lord” over my “life”, and I was making compromises with God. Ultimately, it led to me, making compromises and half-baked goodies for my life. And I tell you this—you can’t do away without Him. If you think you’re doing great without acknowledging God’s control over your life, then you’ve got to reassess yourself, because just as how Rick Warren puts it:

Sometimes, it takes years; but eventually you discover that the greatest hindrance to God’s blessing in your life is not others, it is yourself—your self-will, stubborn pride and personal ambition. You cannot fulfill God’s purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans.

If God is going to do his deepest work in you, it will begin with this [submission]. So give it all to God: your past regrets, your present problems, your future ambitions, your fears, dreams, weaknesses, habits, hurts, and hang-ups.


You can handle everything (your vices, hang-ups, problems and worries included!) if you let Christ be the Captain of your ship. Nothing under his control can ever be out of control. “I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into me, that is, I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency.” Philippians 4:13 (Amp) but first, you must let your guards down, open your door, acknowledge you need him and allow him to take over your life.

Now I rejoice in everything, knowing that the past will never take hold of me. I am no longer a slave of the past, and of every single sin I had and have, because I am free. I am free because freedom is in Christ. So to my past, present, and future: I’ve already “surrendered my whole being to him to be used for his righteous purposes.” (Romans 6:13b TEV) and I put my trust in him because I know he loves me no matter what.

And that is my peace of mind, my true liberty. ~

PS, if you feel embittered by the past, or by particular people, I pray that you may come to realize that trapping yourself from a past feeling will only hurt you all the more. Bitterness affect details of our lives including our future life decisions. And what’s more, we’re only hurting ourselves into a feeling/repeated imagery when the chances are, the person we feel bitterness to doesn’t even think about that thing at all. Let’s do ourselves a favor, let us learn to release the pain we bear by giving forgiveness: forgiveness to others, and forgiveness to self. 🙂


Lord, remind that I am not here to let the waves toss and wash me out. I am not here to let the people who walk on the path of destruction put me in the same shackles placed on their feet and drag me towards the same fate.

I am here in such a time as this, because You put me here. And because You have put me here, I am not alone. You are with me. You are true to your word, “What shall we say then to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31)  You are what matters, and not what others think of me.

I will stand for You, because You have stood for me.

All the glory and honor to the One who lives and reigns forever!

You are the God of Victory!

AY starts now!

Today I technically start my academic year. Another academic year would mean me getting close to finishing college! Hurrah!

“This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” – Psalm 118:24


Hey there. Don’t you think ‘cuddle weather’ is cool? I’m kidding. Just three days ago I happened to wake up having a nasty feeling inside my ‘nasal cavity’ that it practically needed mucus declogging…oh, and what with my throat? It hurt real bad. I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise, after all it happens whenever the so-called atmosphere bipolarity between hell hot and wet wet decides to play their little game with our (my) immune system. A bit of wonder right there left me guessing though; whether the weather has actually decided for itself in the first place or not. Come on, you’ve got to make up your mind, Weather!*

*Insert thunder roll here

Hold on, I’m not blaming wet weather, not even the dry…but goodness! It’s safe and logical to say these guys have their own el positivos and la negativas (now that’s some Spanish! I’ll have more of that this semester. Okay back to the topic.) I personally like it when it’s breezy and cool, but putting volumes of water into the picture doesn’t give a refreshing feeling to me at all. On the other hand, it’s good to have a dry sunny weather that’ll make you feel pumped-up and full of life, but then again, too much sun will instantly make a HYPERHIDROTIC out of you. Emphasis intended. Thumbs down for the attention-seeking round-shaped matter that plotted itself on your shirt…Wait, Sweat Tragedies isn’t going to be my topic for tonight!

Since yesterday came, I’ve started to train myself to be a bit more conscious about my response towards everything. “How was I responding to circumstances?” because honestly, I usually responded a bit crankily with the small stuff. Say, I really hated it whenever I have to wait long. Or when I’m running late for school because nobody out of common-sense-due-to-my-routinary-waking-up-at-6am-but-because-I-had-to-stay-up-til-4am-to-finish-all-of-my-paperwork dared to wake me up. Sometimes I get easily pissed off with small things. But I’ve realized that life is a test. All of life is a test. I remember when I passed my college entrance test, one of the exams I took was for UST. The thought that not everybody that took USTET (UST entrance test) made it into that university, while I did, humbled me. In fact, I was rather grateful that I made it there. Now that I’m on my third year college in UST, more than half of what I said about my studying in there was all about the things it never had. I repeatedly played the “Stuff It Never Had” video inside my head, in fullscreen, 780p HD. I was so frustrated that I initially thought of transferring to another university; then I thought of shifting to another course; up until going to school never made sense to me at all.

Clearly enough, I focused on the wrong things, and that is why I responded negatively. I focused on the stuff I wasn’t getting, instead of appreciating the things I was getting. (Read Philippians 4:8-9) I was afraid that the course program I was currently at wasn’t good enough, which in turn made me think less of myself (might I add that our major was always a recipient of derogatory remarks, some even coming from our professors. I believe they’re doing that out of wanting to make the best out of us, but anyway, back to what I was saying…) all that because I focused on the wrong stuff. It exhausted all my hopes and positivity. My head always flashed “What’s in it for me?”. I wanted to suck up all the good things into me, instead of thinking about the good things I could bring unto this world. I always thought happiness comes from what you get, but no. There is no satisfaction in getting. Sure we might get satisfied sometimes, but we won’t be able to keep that satisfaction for long. We are people of infinite desires. We’ll never get enough unless we see things through the right perspective and as long as we are driven by wrong stuff. What I’m trying to say is that, once you shift gears and have the proper mindset in giving, a significant kind of joy will satisfy and overwhelm you. I believe it is the kind of joy that comes after the realization of being utile.

Lastly, I’ve realized, we have a reason for living. You exist because you are something to this world. Once you start to have a grasp on your purpose, and that you have to arrive at something, you have hope. Even when times get tough, you’ve got sail to keep you moving forward. Simply put, you are driven for something because you have something to pursue.

Upon entering college, my thoughts were hanging loosely all over me. I remember how I always wondered why in the world did I take up Communication Arts– I never knew what I was trying to pursue in life anyway. But let me tell you this, having no sense of direction draws off life from you. You’ll never feel fulfilled even after all the tons of stuff you have been doing. For us to be motivated by our real purpose, we have to give up our ME-FOCUSED-EGO and MY-WAY-INSISTENCE. We can’t dictate to ourselves the reason for our existence because we did not create ourselves! To give you real life situation: An inventor creates a new complex machine because the need for that machine existed in his mind. It originated from him. The only person who can operate that “newly-made” complex machine is the one who made it. And just like that, we have to ask our purpose from the One who brought us to existence. And that’s Our Creator.

As I end this lengthy post, I share with you a passage from the Bible:

“Everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.” Colossians 1:16b MSG

Life is not about us. It’s not about what we’re getting. It’s about what we can give. It’s about living with a purpose. Now go and find that purpose in Him! 🙂

Thank you for reading 5-12-13 entry of Pensées. The writer of this post is currently reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Share your thoughts below!