Going Mad Over the Past

Today’s the 22nd of July. It’s funny how time rather nibbles the butt of itself—if you live in the past, you glug the life out of what’s in front of you; and when you live in the present, it is but necessary that “thou shalt entomb all thy ungainly minutiae of the bygone”. (‘bury all the not-so-good memories 6 feet’ under for short.)

“Let’s go to QPav, Shayne,” that’s what I told her. I was feeling all drag and drama over the idea of doing our homework a day earlier than the deadline.  Here I was, all stressed and sleepless while this girl who insisted that it would be better we go loca-loca over school stuff now and save the blasé mode for later was whom I had for a company. Oh, well. I let my upper hand down and let her drag my blues into the library. Word: [enforcedly] studious.

We tried to look for a particular film in the library but we failed to watch because the audio-visual player needed a fix. Letting our quick-wits bring us to a resolve, we logged into library PC’s trying to look for the video online (but of course you can’t watch it on Youtube!) Shayne happened to find a “watch-able” film for Battle of Manila, so I asked her to send me the link through my email.

Some of the old stuff I had to deal with that moment would include a reminiscent of my foolishness ago, and what I meant by ago is that these old stuff from my email occurred at around the same time a year ago. I was a bit unmindful of the little details from the past so I had to read them all again, and to my surprise, I wasn’t giving an outrage at all, (well at least mentally) towards myself. Good that I was able to master such weakness I once had. Very good. I no longer have to palm-hit my head!

So here it goes, whenever you feel like hitting your head with your right palm so hard due to some crazy-memory-from-the-past-backlash, it is highly recommended that you:

  • Learn to accept. You probably heard about the word a gazillion times already, but it’s true. Acceptance was what I had to make in order to be gentle with myself. And the same goes for you. I realized that you can’t go against the current of the seas. You will only exhaust and hurt yourself. You just have to allow itself shove … (okay shove is not a good term,) allow itself to put everything back into place. How does it happen? Find out on our next point.
  • Admit your limitations. Pride is one way of hurting yourself. If you let that barrier rule over you, you will always deny yourself from true freedom. We are all human, we make mistakes and we can’t be perfect. God never expects us to be perfect and flawless while we are made of flesh. “For he knows how we are made. He remembers that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:14 WEB) See, even our Perfect God knows we cannot be perfect by human nature!
  • Surrender to God. Completely. I’ve done those crazy stuff before because I was made to believe that I was on the right path. Well, it FELT RIGHT for a moment there. And I tell you, that’s a SUREFIRE way to self-destruction. That’s what you call foolishness. I thought I could be “Jan” the “lord” over my “life”, and I was making compromises with God. Ultimately, it led to me, making compromises and half-baked goodies for my life. And I tell you this—you can’t do away without Him. If you think you’re doing great without acknowledging God’s control over your life, then you’ve got to reassess yourself, because just as how Rick Warren puts it:

Sometimes, it takes years; but eventually you discover that the greatest hindrance to God’s blessing in your life is not others, it is yourself—your self-will, stubborn pride and personal ambition. You cannot fulfill God’s purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans.

If God is going to do his deepest work in you, it will begin with this [submission]. So give it all to God: your past regrets, your present problems, your future ambitions, your fears, dreams, weaknesses, habits, hurts, and hang-ups.

 ***

You can handle everything (your vices, hang-ups, problems and worries included!) if you let Christ be the Captain of your ship. Nothing under his control can ever be out of control. “I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him who infuses inner strength into me, that is, I am self-sufficient in Christ’s sufficiency.” Philippians 4:13 (Amp) but first, you must let your guards down, open your door, acknowledge you need him and allow him to take over your life.

Now I rejoice in everything, knowing that the past will never take hold of me. I am no longer a slave of the past, and of every single sin I had and have, because I am free. I am free because freedom is in Christ. So to my past, present, and future: I’ve already “surrendered my whole being to him to be used for his righteous purposes.” (Romans 6:13b TEV) and I put my trust in him because I know he loves me no matter what.

And that is my peace of mind, my true liberty. ~

PS, if you feel embittered by the past, or by particular people, I pray that you may come to realize that trapping yourself from a past feeling will only hurt you all the more. Bitterness affect details of our lives including our future life decisions. And what’s more, we’re only hurting ourselves into a feeling/repeated imagery when the chances are, the person we feel bitterness to doesn’t even think about that thing at all. Let’s do ourselves a favor, let us learn to release the pain we bear by giving forgiveness: forgiveness to others, and forgiveness to self. 🙂

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DefeatingDefeat

Lord, remind that I am not here to let the waves toss and wash me out. I am not here to let the people who walk on the path of destruction put me in the same shackles placed on their feet and drag me towards the same fate.

I am here in such a time as this, because You put me here. And because You have put me here, I am not alone. You are with me. You are true to your word, “What shall we say then to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?” (Romans 8:31)  You are what matters, and not what others think of me.

I will stand for You, because You have stood for me.

All the glory and honor to the One who lives and reigns forever!

You are the God of Victory!

Nouveau

It’s been a while since I actually required myself to do a decent blog post. I’ve been blogging, yes, but I always find it hard to textualize my thoughts. You know the feeling you get when you suddenly feel like you’re going crazy that you just want to dig your face all over the buffet, all over that gracious cheesy lasagna but then the thought actually hit you: you’re NOT going to eat it because it is that “insert tempting adjective here”-white-carb-that-was-made-to-haunt-your-conscience-strand-by-strand…but you eat it anyway (Anyhow, so much for the carb demon imagery. I don’t think it actually is related to my proposition). Anyway, that’s more like how I feel whenever I feel like I have to say something but I couldn’t. Probably because I’m a writer of feels. Always a battle between ‘I have to write because I feel that I’ve something to write’ and ‘I have something to write but I just don’t know why I’m not doing anything about it at all’  takes place. In the end, the latter usually defeats the first.

While I am writing this post it suddenly made clear to me that the problem was actually my attitude towards writing. I should learn to embrace my good thoughts, and learn to respond to it positively. With positive I mean I must be more patient, even if writing a good stuff is an arduous task to the mind. I must not stop until I finish the work. I must never be too lazy to proofread. I must always see the good in seemingly endless revisions.

And as I end, I would like to share with you this saved note from my Quick Notes archive:

“A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people. The best writers write much more slowly than everyone else, and the better they are, the slower they write.”

I’m not saying I’m a writer but I must admit, writing actually is difficult for me. Plus I write slower than most of you guys do. Hopefully that makes me a writer in account of my saved note. Ha ha! Well, it’s not a bad thing to hope for!